The Best Fantasy Football Dream Team in the World... Ever!
World Cup fever is set to grip the globe yet again, whilst even the more sensible and reasonable thinkers prepare to lose their grip on logic for an entire month. So what better time to dip into the world of comics and devise the greatest ever all-star XI.Well, it wasn't an easy task, I can tell you; with so much talent to choose from, the hardest part was thinking of who to leave out. In the end, I decided to base my selection on team functionality and, as you can see, have opted for a somewhat attacking 3-4-3 formation. It is comprised of a three-man back line, a strong yet creative midfield, and with a playmaker sitting in the hole, just behind the trio of front runners.
You may notice that the vast majority of these characters are either of British origin, or at least based in the UK. Upon researching this article, I couldn't help but notice just how few football comics have ever been produced outside of the British Isles. There have been a few football-related titles, most notably in France, as well as Germany, Greece, Holland, and the Scandinavian countries. However, the one thing these publications have in common is that they all rely exclusively on reprinted material from properties of IPC Magazines. There has been nothing at all in Italy, which is most surprising when you consider how religiously and fanatically they follow their football over there.
There are a few famous names in the line-up, others perhaps less so, and one or two unknown quantities. So without any further ado, let's go ahead and meet the players, shall we?...
"Billy the Fish", Viz Comic (1984)
It was a close call between Billy and Spike's tough guy, scrap-dealing custodian, Charlie "Iron" Barr for the number 1 shirt. In the end, Fulchester's own half-man, half-fish star goalie just edged it.
His legendary one-man performance (quite literally, as the rest of the team were blown up in a terrorist plane attack!) in not only keeping a clean sheet, but also beating crack European Cup outfit Bongo Gdaza, still hails today as one of the tournament's all time feats. Also taken into consideration was the brave keeper's handling of an unexploded bomb, in the penalty incident that decided the FA Cup Final against fierce rivals Barnton Wanderers, at Wembley. Such acts of bravery were not uncommon for the lad, and proves that he is able to react admirably under pressure in even the biggest of big game atmospheres.
It was also decided that Billy Thompson's piscine-like ability to change direction in mid-dive would come in very useful, and could prove decisive in penalty-shoot-outs, during the latter stages of the competition.
"Striker", The Sun (1995)
Sebastian "Scrapper" Griswell is not exactly the sharpest tool in the box, but the 7ft centre-back more than makes up for his lack of intellect with his ability to win high balls at the back. His stature and courage also makes him a real threat in the opponents' area too. This could prove to be a vital advantage in the knockout stages of the World Cup, especially if the side were to find themselves behind in the final minutes of a game.
Scrapper's no-nonsense, but fair, approach to his defensive duties had taken years of careful honing, especially after suffering from severe anger management issues at the start of his professional career. His loyalty and wholehearted attitude has won him many admirers within the game, despite being convicted on no less than two separate occasions.
The big guy is as generous and brave off the field as he is on it. This was never more clearly demonstrated than by his efforts in aiding the survival of colleagues, after the team had been subject to the now customary footballing plane disaster storyline.
"The Hard Man", Roy of the Rovers (1976)
Despite Johnny Dexter's tough-tackling style, exceptional bravery and fiery temper, the boy can actually play a fair bit too. This means that his skill in getting forward and supporting the attacks could prove particularly useful in the group stages of the competition, especially against the smaller nations that prefer to adopt a more defensive mentality. He has the technical ability to play at left-back, and in central midfield, as well as in his usual position.
On his day, Dexter is up there with all the England greats, but he is own worst enemy. Frequent sendings-off and heated disputes, even with his own team teammates, have often hampered a promising career. Nevertheless, playing in the same side as none other than Roy Race could be the calming influence that is needed to get the best out of the player (even though he beat the living daylights out of Roy's own son Rocky, on one particular occasion). The Melchester Rovers star not only picked Johnny Dexter in the England team that thrashed actual World Cup finalists Holland in 1978, but also signed him for the club a few years later (after half the team were wiped out by another terrorist attack!).
"Biffalo Bill", The Hotspur (1958)
Not a great deal is known about the vintage story paper hero known as "Biffalo Bill" Willis, who was as elusive as a character on paper, as he is today on screen. He was listed in a Daily Mail report on comic book footballers a few years back, and has since appeared on many other blogs and articles, all of which include exactly the same short biography: "Biffalo Bill from The Hotspur was capable of performing some amazing physical feats for his team." It is doubtful whether any of them had actually read one of his stories. Well I have, and he is a beast!
To start with, I feel it is my duty to point out that the character first made his debut in a 1958 edition of The Hotspur and not in 1963, as referenced in Barrie Tomlinson's (otherwise brilliant) book, Football's Comic Book Heroes. Furthermore, his surname is not "Bradley", as a couple of online writers have erroneously pointed out.
If you can imagine Desperate Dan as a footballer, then that is probably all you need to know as an accurate enough description for this character. This is certainly all I needed to know to be convinced of the fact that he was the right man for the job, as a sweeper in my definitive world-beating eleven (even though he is a natural centre-forward).
"Mighty Mouse", Roy of the Rovers (1979)
"He's fat, he's round, he bounces on the ground", but unlike Liverpool's Sammy Lee, Kevin "Mighty" Mouse is often classified as yet another striker by trade. However, I could not help notice that he is the kind of player that tends to pick up the ball up from deep, sometimes from within his own half, and isn't afraid to get stuck in. He is also short, wears glasses, and is a part-time medical student.
In any case, his low centre of gravity, speed, and dribbling skills suggest that he is more apt as a box-to-box midfielder, full of energy and running, and at least 10-15 years before the position had even been invented. The fact that he can score from long-distance, with unnerving accuracy and frequency, is obviously a bonus for the role.
It was probably easier (and more glamorous) to generally write characters in as either strikers or goalkeepers. However, due in no small part to his uncanny acrobatic ability, I feel that Kevin was probably inspired by players like Archie Gemmill, or more likely Leeds United's Billy Bremner, but without that horrible nasty streak.
"We Are United", Champ (1984)
D.C. Thomson's answer to the Roy of the Rovers 'universe' also spanned several comic titles, and incorporated characters from various series. However, unlike their IPC rivals, "United" stories were often injected with more realism inasmuch as last-minute penalties were missed, and cup finals were lost in the cruellest way possible. The front covers also resembled newspaper headlines, whilst the inside pages were packed with previews, match reports and general trivia.
The banter between the players was also particularly noteworthy, as it was as realistic as anything else you were ever likely to read. Perhaps the best example of this was central defender Josh Tee's memorable nickname, "Cuppa".
Despite their lack of trophy success (or at least, until their stories started appearing in Football Picture Story Monthly), the team was packed with international stars and generally tended to win, most of the time anyway. Their main strength lay in the midfield partnership of Terry Evans and Alex "Hedgehog" Jones, which was a curious pairing indeed, considering that they couldn't stand each other.
Only one of them could therefore make it into this team. In the end, I decided to go for the elegant, yet egocentric, Welsh international. The main reason was that a classy right-midfielder is exaclty what was needed to fill the inside-right slot, but also because of his involvement in foiling yet another terrorist plane attack.
"Striker", The Sun (1999)
Admittedly, it was something of a risk putting another 'big head' in the team, but I stand by this decision to entrust the mercurial Frenchman with the number 7 shirt, and would expect no less from him than to make that left flank his own.
A player of tremendous individual talent, and a real crowd pleaser on his day. Although his technical ability has never been a topic for dispute, sections of the support remain divided as to his value as a worthy team component.
It is fair to assume that De Guisson was a character styled on a mix between David Ginola and Eric Cantona; just as capable of winning matches single-handedly, as he was of causing defeat. The player that he resembles the most in the modern game, for sheer arrogance alone, is probably the ex-Manchester United star Zlatan Ibrahimovic, although he isn't French, he's Swedish... but he looks French!
"Captain Tsubasa", Weekly Shōnen Jump (1981)
It would be wrong to omit an exponent of possibly the only other country in the world, outside of the UK, to take a serious approach to footballing comics. Captain Tsubasa is the (infinitely more successful) Japanese manga version of our own Roy of the Rovers.
This series also spans several decades, but with the added verisimilitude of actually having the player age (albeit slowly) during and throughout his distinguished playing career. The story follows the progress of an 11-year-old schoolboy as he advances through the professional league pyramid, and ends up becoming an international superstar, turning out for São Paulo and Barcelona (real clubs!), respectively.
It is surely only a matter of time before Tsubasa will eventually fulfil his dream of leading Japan to World Cup glory. Every great international side needs a world-class leader; an attacking midfielder and influential schemer to build the side around. Think of Pelè in that wonderful Brazilian team of the '60s and '70s, or of Maradona's role in that formidable Argentinian side of the 1980s. This would very much be his role in the Dream Team XI; the heartbeat, the symbol, and the captain par excellence.
"Hot-Shot Hamish", Scorcher (1973)
There could only be one choice as target man for this fantasy starting line-up, "Hot-Shot" Hamish Balfour, the greatest goalscoring hero of them all.
The huge Scottish striker possesses such a mighty shooting ability, that it is often the goalkeepers themselves that end up in the back of net, as well as the ball itself (on those occasions where either the net or the goalie haven't sustained irreparable damage, of course!).
Indeed, it would be difficult to imagine leaving "the man with the most powerful shot in the world" out of a selection of heroes such as this. At the end of day (Brian), the aim of the game is to score more goals than the opposition, and his marksmanship is vitally essential for any team with aspirations of winning the tournament.
Hamish Balfour's 6ft 10, muscular build will make him very difficult to mark. It should also be said that the player possesses an equally impressive aerial ability, which would cause real problems for the opposition defence, particularly in set-piece situations. His sensational twelve goals against Wellbeck Wanderers in a 1982 league match remains a comic book record to this day, and must surely mark him out as a favourite to win the World Cup's top goalscorer award.
"Roy of the Rovers", Tiger (1954)
If you've made it this far, chances are that you're not someone who needs an introduction to Roy Race. Suffice to say that he is, without a doubt, Britain's most famous footballing comic character, and the stuff schoolboy dreams are made of. His career has spanned decades, and he's already won everything there is to win at club level. Roy will be desperate to finally get the chance to prove himself on an international stage, and to win the one trophy that has eluded him thus far, in what could be his last opportunity.
The Melchester Rovers ace would be very well suited on the outer side of this three-man attacking line. I feel this would be the right position to make the best use of his cultured left foot, and for linking up with De Guisson for some scintillating plays in the final third of that left-hand channel.
Expectations will be high from the veteran forward, who has survived assassination attempts, the umpteenth terrorist bomb attack, a helicopter crash, and a hefty chunk of retroactive continuity rewrites. His uncanny knack of scoring crucial last-minute match winners will be a distinct advantage for the team, should extra time be required en route to the final.
"Billy's Boots", Scorcher (1970)
Technically speaking, schoolboy Billy Dane is a cheat! However, there is nothing in the FIFA rules that says players cannot wear items of clothing that belonged to deceased footballing legends, provided they conform to regulatory standards.
The boots in question were previously owned by a certain Charles "Dead Shot" Keen, who was a prolific centre-forward some decades earlier. Billy owes all of his unnatural striking ability to this extraordinary footwear, and without them he is, quite frankly, shit!
Nevertheless, I feel that the burden of centre-forward would be far too great for the lad, so decided he would be best utilised in the outside-right position. The advantage of this is that he could draw defenders out of position, therefore allowing more maneuverability for the target man up front.
I'm certain that the youngster will feel that his time has finally come, and will be ready and eager to prove himself in the professional game... just don't let him sign a sponsorship deal with any sportswear manufacturers, for God's sake!
"Lags Eleven", Scorcher (1970)
With the starting eleven completed, all that was needed next was someone to coach the side to success. There were a few candidates for what is probably the most important ingredient of all. I had considered several possibilities such as Roy Race himself as player-manager, Viktor Boskovic (The Hard Man), Warbury's Nick Jarvis, and even thought of bending the rules a little bit by appointing Sir Alf Ramsey, due to his brief stint in the Melchester Rovers hot seat.
In the end, I decided that there was only one man who could demand the respect that was needed, and to be in possession of the kind of strategic acumen that was necessary of carrying off a big job like this. That man was Willie Smith, the little-known star of one of the greatest footballing comic strips I have ever had the pleasure of reading.
Willie Smith, affectionately known by the inmates of Bankhurst Prison as "Brilliant Genius", was apparently based on Peter Sellers' character in the 1960 Ealing comedy, Two Way Stretch. A master tactician who was not only responsible for guiding his side to a prolonged success in the prison football leagues (and to formulate an audacious escape plan), but was also the brains behind some of the country's biggest ever heists and robberies.
So there we have it. I hope this has given you something to think about as you struggle to keep your eyes open after an hour of watching Iceland play Saudi Arabia, or as you look forlornly into your pint glass, whilst everybody discusses the previous evening's refereeing decisions. I tell you what though, you can keep your Messis, your Ronaldos, and your Neymars. This squad of soccer superstars would take some beating, and I'd seriously fancy their chances to even go on and win the bloody thing, hands down.
Not sure if this gimmick will catch on or not, and I don't really care to be honest, but you can download the full set of eCards from this post here.
All visual content is for demonstrative purposes only and is the property of the respective owners.
